Happily Ever After Isn't Easy Page 7

  “I don’t think he’d talk to you.”

  “Okay. Maybe you could both see Dr. Nemer. There’s lots that can be done. I know it feels hopeless, but it’ll work out.”

  She didn’t say anything to that.

  “You okay?”

  She sighed, her crying having ceased. “I’m going to go to sleep. I’ll call you tomorrow. Thanks.”

  “Okay, good night.”

  Gabe put his phone on the table and rubbed at his temples, wishing he could sleep as well.

  GABE HAD shut his cell phone off last night to stop the nerve-strumming sounds from the incessant texts and calls. Betsy, Julia, a number he didn’t recognize. The only person he spoke with in the morning was Karen. After getting some sleep, she assured him that she was okay and taking her meds. She had also talked with Randy, and they were going to talk that night. Gabe was able to relax finally.

  Throughout Saturday, he stayed home, working through a myriad of emotions and feelings that were trying to drown him. He’d puttered around the house, unable to focus on one activity for any amount of time. Thoughts of Tim and Brandt continually battled to be recognized. He’d lament why Tim didn’t want him one moment and then wish he had Brandt’s number the next. Then he’d spent time listing the reasons why neither of them would want him. The roller-coaster ride was long and bumpy and filled with loops that made him dizzy. Add in Karen’s issues and the roller coaster was ready to go off the tracks.

  When Sunday morning arrived, his consistent inactivity and movement found him exhausted, despite doing nothing more physical than walking around the house. He wasn’t sure his mood could get any darker. God, could he even remember the last time he’d been happy? Yes. One night, while on Facebook, a message from Tim had popped up. His butterflies had grown spikes that night.

  “How’re you doing?”

  “Good, Tim. How are you?”

  “Not so good. Relationship with Jeff ended. Kind of messy. It’s not easy, is it?”

  That night had been the start of many late nights of messaging, commiserating, talking about the past, the present, and even the future. The thrill of reconnecting with Tim, the comfort of getting to know him again, had energized Gabe. The love of his life was single again, and Gabe had received that rare gift of a second chance. Because of his terrified reluctance to come out as a teen and his rebellion against Tim when he’d been outed, he’d lost the one person he’d cared for, loved. Gabe had been in the position when they’d reconnected to give Tim what he’d failed to give the first time around. Too bad their reuniting had all gone to shit, twice.

  And then he’d met Brandt. Even after the rocky start, he was hooked by the intriguing man. Gabe had been positive that he was straight. He was gay, gorgeous, a good man who loved kids, and everything Gabe thought he wanted. Everything he’d thought Tim was… or who he wanted to Tim to be. Tim had been his chance at happily ever after, but that would have been too easy, right?

  As he thought of Tim and his lies and deceptive behavior, Gabe’s anger grew. Brandt had asked him out, and because he feared being rejected as he had been by Tim, he’d run. Overreacted was more like it, when he’d assumed the man only wanted a good fuck. But didn’t relationships start with a date? If Brandt had asked him out, then he was definitely interested in something more. If he’d only been after a one-night stand, he would have taken advantage of the situation right then.

  A loud banging on the front door startled Gabe from his reminiscing. He wanted to ignore the banging, but there was another bang, and a deep voice yelled his name. Gabe held his breath. No, it can’t be. Had he imagined it?

  Bang. Bang. “Gabe, if you don’t open this door, I’ll bust the fucking thing down. I know you’re in there!”

  Gabe groaned, clutching his head. This was miles beyond his capacity to deal with right then. Come back in a week and maybe he’d be ready.

  Bang. Bang. Bang. “I’ve been trying to call you since Friday night. Open the door. I need to talk to you.”

  Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

  Ignoring the noise wasn’t going to get the door-banging jackass to go away. He dragged himself off the couch and shuffled to the door. Through the frosted glass, he could see a large, dark outline. Inhaling deeply and blinking a few times, Gabe unlocked the bolt, brusquely turned the knob, and yanked the door open.

  A bright, shining grin greeted him. “About time, Gabe. You look like shit.”

  Gabe frowned. Tim was on his porch. A week ago that might have excited him, brought him hope. Right then, much like the night before, Gabe’s world shifted. “What do you want, Tim?” Gabe did little to hide his annoyance. He gripped the doorknob, resisting the urge to slam the door in his ex’s face.

  Chapter 9

  WHAT THE fuck? Gabe blinked. Tim was the last person he’d expected to ever see again. Tim stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. The black turtleneck sweater and white North Face vest only accentuated his fit body. No wonder he’d looked elsewhere after Gabe. Tim could have anyone. Time had been more than generous with Tim. Wrinkles were limited to those slight crinkles at the corners of his blue eyes and mouth when he smiled widely. A touch of gray at the temples of his dark blond hair looked like highlights. His nose had become more defined, eyebrows fuller. Just looking at him was like a sucker punch.

  “I tried to call you a few times, but you didn’t answer. And you’re not on Facebook anymore.”

  You’re the reason for that.

  “Been busy. In fact, I was just heading into the shower. Got a busy day.”

  Tim shifted and then looked down, seeming to study the trainers on his feet. When he looked up, there was a heart-stopping anguish coloring those blue eyes. “Can you spare a minute to talk? I really have some things I need to say to you. Please?”

  For a moment, Gabe could see the young boy he’d known, the one he’d fallen in love with, and didn’t that just stab right through him. Sighing, Gabe stepped back, allowing Tim to pass, cognizant to keep his distance. When they entered the living room, Gabe didn’t offer Tim a seat. Crossing his arms, Gabe stood behind the couch and waited for Tim to start.

  Tim paced for a moment, then faced Gabe. “I want to apologize for the way I’ve acted. After Jeff and I split, I was… broken. I jumped in with you too quickly. I was looking for anything to get rid of that pain. I was a real mess.”

  Actually, what Gabe had seen of Tim had been smooth, enticing, and willing. “So you’re telling me I was a mistake?”

  Tim’s eyes widened as he shook his head. “No, Gabe. It was just… too fast. Jeff and I had only been broken up for a little over a month after being together for over three years, and… I felt so lost, and I guess I was looking for something.” Tim looked to the floor again.

  Gone was the cocky, smug, and self-confident persona Gabe knew. He couldn’t ignore the shake in Tim’s voice, the tormented expression, the hunched shoulders. Tim appeared more of a mess now than he’d ever been. Twinges of guilt were quickly replaced with the memory of Tim reaching into Gabe’s chest and yanking out his heart—twice.

  Gabe rubbed at his sternum from the physical pain. “Tim, you said things to me that were total bullshit. Crap about want and need and love and fate and the future. You gave me every indication that you wanted to be in a relationship with me, to try again, and then what did you do? Fucked me and turned your back on me. You said you needed time—six months—and when I tried to back off and be your friend, you told me that you didn’t play games, when it was you who was playing them.” Gabe took in a deep, shaky breath.

  “I… I couldn’t… I was fucked-up.”

  “So fucked-up you were with someone new within a month?”

  Tim narrowed his eyes. “I messaged you and asked how you were. You said you were involved with that Pat guy.”

  After being kicked to the curb by his high school boyfriend, Gabe had been all too happy to tell Tim he was involved with another man.

  Tim shrugged. “So I found someone
else.”

  “So much for pining over me.” Gabe snorted. “By the way, that lasted a long time. A few weeks?”

  “You’re not so innocent here, Gabe. I loved you and wanted to be with you, but you locked that door so tight no one could get in.” Tim’s anger flared. He wasn’t playing the martyr anymore.

  “Are you talking about your ‘request’ when I was eighteen to come out when you did? I was terrified, Tim. Just a kid who knew he loved another guy, but to tell everyone, my friends and family, my parents? I didn’t have understanding, progressive parents like you. I probably wouldn’t even be out now if my father hadn’t died. My mom only speaks to me on holidays, and then only if I call her. I begged you to give me some time, begged you to wait for me, but you loved me so much that you told the girl with the biggest mouth in the school about me, then ran off to college and never looked back.” That well of pain had been capped for far too long.

  “You said that you forgave me for that.” Tim sounded almost accusatory.

  Gabe schooled his face into a hard mask. “I guess I’m taking it back. I would’ve said anything to have you again, anything to keep you with me. It definitely wasn’t enough. I even gave you a second chance, or have you forgotten so soon?” Gabe turned away and sniffed, quickly wiping away a stray disobedient tear.

  Not once, but twice, Tim had come, using the same script. The loneliness after Patrick had eaten Gabe alive and he’d just wanted—needed—it to stop. And hadn’t that mistake ended with Tim leaving Gabe again with the remnants of his already battered self-esteem further tattered and torn.

  “I know I fucked up, Gabe. I’m sorry I—”

  Gabe spun around, unable to hear any more lies. “I don’t believe you. I don’t trust you! I don’t know if I can ever trust anyone not to use me as a doormat again. Karen cheating on me and then you dumping me twice, and now—”

  He cut himself off before the name Brandt could fall from his lips.

  Tim didn’t seem to notice. “I told you I was messed up, that I didn’t know what I was doing. I was a fucking mess inside and I….” He trailed off.

  “You used me,” Gabe growled.

  Tim shook his head as if it would negate Gabe’s words. “No. I wouldn’t hurt you on purpose. I love you.”

  Those three words. He’d waited twenty-five years to hear those again, and now they were hollow and a meaningless representation of a life he’d yearned for and lost. With that, he realized Tim was too late. Three strikes and he was out. Something had changed since meeting Brandt.

  Gabe looked into those blue eyes and mourned the loss of that boy he’d known—hopeful, wide-eyed, silly with dreams, and in love. Sure, he still lusted after Tim, but Gabe was through with the self-deprecating behavior that only resulted in the demolition of his self-worth. The awareness of what this visit had become slammed into him—the end of his love for Tim and a future that was never going to happen. Gabe no longer feared saying good-bye to Tim and closing the door on that part of his life.

  Gabe rubbed at the back of his neck. The knot of tension that had always been there began to dissipate. Sighing heavily, he walked around the sofa and sat wearily on the arm. He was still tired. And with the anger fleeing, he had to deal with the reality that he was partially at fault.

  “I’m sorry too, Tim. When you told me about breaking up with Jeff, I knew you were hurting, and I chose to ignore that. Instead of talking with you and helping you with the loss, which is what the counselor side of me had planned to do, I drank too much, spilling my guts about what I’ve wanted since we were eighteen. I know I scared you when I told you all that. But the way you treated me after was the most painful shit I’ve ever had to deal with. I didn’t deserve it.”

  Tears that had filled Tim’s eyes now spilled over and ran like tiny rivers down his face. He maintained silent eye contact with Gabe. This was way past hard.

  “That was bad enough, but then you came back and pretty much did the same thing again. Christ, I was a mess—have been a mess. A sniveling fool, drowning in self-pity.” He let out a dry chuckle. “I’m surprised Betsy didn’t have me committed.”

  He shook his head at how supportive his sister and Julia had been. Two strong and patient women holding him up like a pair of crutches. Without them, he would have faded away into nothing. Drawing on his own strength, the time had come to stop relying on those crutches he automatically reached for when things went badly. And Tim had gone worse than bad. Now Gabe’s thoughts were of another man, a man who woke something inside of him that he couldn’t ignore. Could something happen there? Could he find happiness with someone else? Would that sexy, buff guy want to date an old, soft, and foolish man? God, he hoped so. He really wanted to find out.

  “It’s over, isn’t it?” There was a slight hitch in Tim’s voice.

  Gabe looked up. Tim’s blue eyes mirrored the loss Gabe felt. “Yeah. It is.”

  Tim wrapped his arms around his middle and nodded. “I could see it. Could feel something different from the moment you opened the door. You just didn’t seem so….”

  “Desperate?” Gabe chuckled morosely.

  Tim cracked a brief, waning smile, then quickly lost it beneath his misery. “In love.”

  A lump formed in Gabe’s throat as he consciously allowed the truth to set in. He wasn’t in love with Tim anymore.

  Tim took a hesitant step closer to Gabe. With Tim’s distress, Gabe noticed hidden lines that previously weren’t visible. Like a time-morphed photo, Gabe noticed that possibly Tim hadn’t been as untouched by time as he’d once thought. Or possibly Gabe’s rose-colored glasses had been removed.

  “Did I kill it? Did everything I put you through kill your love for me?” Tim’s eyes turned glassy again.

  Gabe thought his answer would be yes, but instead he said, “No. Maybe what I thought was love all these years was only the ideal of what we might have had. I always thought, if I could just get you back, then everything would be perfect. But we’re both different people than we were back then. Changed for better or worse, I don’t know.” Gabe shrugged and then looked up at Tim, into those lovely blue eyes. “You didn’t want me then, and you don’t want me now.”

  Tim attempted to protest, but Gabe cut him off. Standing, he took Tim’s hands into his. None of the electric sparks he’d experienced with Brandt were present. It was like holding the hands of a friend, and that was both upsetting and comforting at the same time.

  “Last time we were together, you said I was like coming home. Well, as adults, most of us go back home, get some love and comfort, but we always leave again. We don’t stay there because we don’t belong.” Gabe allowed a tear to continue its journey down his face, leaving a cold, wet trail. He deserved those tears, had earned them, but this was the last tear he’d shed for Tim as a lover. From here on out, Gabe hoped he would slip into the role of friend.

  “I don’t want to lose you.” Tim squeezed desperately at Gabe’s hands.

  Gabe shook his head, overwhelmed and unable to fathom the loss as well as the relief. The twenty-five-year siege on his heart was ending. He could move on. “You won’t lose me as a friend. You were the first best friend I ever had. I think it’s time we work on that relationship, don’t you?” Gabe found it easier to pull his mouth into a light, melancholy smile.

  Tim drew in a shuddering breath, pulled his lips into a thin line, and nodded. “I think we could do that. Just… just give me some time. I promise I won’t abandon you again.”

  Gabe wanted to trust him, but the ball was in Tim’s court. Gabe could only be there if and when his friend was ready. Tim dropped his hands hopelessly, and Gabe could tell the man was losing a battle. Soon he would crash, much like Gabe had Friday night. He felt for Tim but couldn’t be the one to comfort him.

  “I should go. And again, I apologize and hope that someday you can forgive me.”

  Gabe followed Tim, and when they stopped at the front door he opened it for him. Gabe stepped out onto the porch with his
new “old” friend. Tim stopped just before the stairs, then turned to Gabe, who rubbed at the coldness on his bare arms.

  “Is it okay if I hug you good-bye?” A hopeful yet exhausted smile emerged on Tim’s face.

  Gabe opened his arms wide, and Tim stepped in. Gabe rubbed his hands over Tim’s back in a comforting gesture. A week ago, having Tim in his arms would have been the sun, the moon, and the stars all rolled into one, but now it wasn’t enough.

  Tim pulled back slightly and raised his hand to Gabe’s cheek. Fingertips caressed his skin as Tim stared into his eyes.

  “Good-bye.” Tim lowered his lips for a kiss. With the soft touch, Gabe was transported back to the darkened parking lot, Brandt’s lips brushing against his, the almost animalistic claiming of Gabe’s heart and soul. Gabe allowed the kiss to continue, imagining Brandt was with him. When he opened his eyes to Tim, he felt his disappointment in his chest.

  Gabe stepped back and cleared his throat. “So what’re you going to do now?”

  Tim leaned against the railing and crossed his arms. “Go home and sulk. Try to get my head together. Maybe I’ll take a vacation. Go sit on a beach somewhere. Cabo sounds good right about now.”

  Gabe didn’t want to go the counselor route, but he had to say something. “You’ve jumped from one relationship to another. You said yourself they never last any longer than a few years.” God, why had Gabe thought he’d last forever with Tim? Betsy had been right. He couldn’t stay in a relationship. “Take some time to get to know who you are and what you really want without someone else in the mix.”

  Tim shook his head and smiled ruefully. “Always the counselor, Gabe.”

  “No, that’s friend advice.”

  “I haven’t ever really been alone. Shit. That sounds scary. Don’t know if I can do it.”

  “You can’t be yourself in a relationship if you don’t know who you are. From what you told me, you get with a guy and you try to be who he is or what he wants. That can’t work because you’re playing a part, and you can only keep that up for so long.”